the entries
10.03.2002 8.44pm
Sometimes I get so weird I even freak myself out I laugh myself to sleep It's my lullaby Sometimes I drive so fast Just to feel the danger I wanna scream It makes me feel alive Is it enough to love? Is it enough to breathe? Somebody rip my heart out And leave me here to bleed Is it enough to die? Somebody save my life I'd rather be anything but ordinary please To walk within the lines Would make my life so boring I want to know that I Have been to the extreme So knock me off my feet Come on now give it to me Anything to make me feel alive Is it enough to love? Is it enough to breathe? Somebody rip my heart out And leave me here to bleed Is it enough to die? Somebody save my life I'd rather be anything but ordinary please I'd rather be anything but ordinary please. Let down your defences Use no common sense If you look you will see that this world is a beautiful accident turbulent suculent opulent permanent, no way I wanna taste it Don't wanna waste it away Sometimes I get so weird I even freak myself out I laugh my self to sleep It's my lullaby Is it enough? Is it enough? Is it enough to breathe? Somebody rip my heart out And leave me here to bleed Is it enough to die? Somebody save my life I'd rather be anything but ordinary please Is it enough? Is it enough to die? Somebody save my life I'd rather be anything but ordinary please I'd rather be anything but ordinary please.

As I was browsing the internet while talking to Gary I came across the picture of Cody. And I began crying. God, I feel so incredibly terriable.

When I remember the time we spent together that day, I drift off into a different place. Butterflys run amuck in my tummy. I want to laugh and cry and scream all at the same time.

I was driving yesterday, and I happened to pass him leaving the parking lot, as usual (not planned or anything, no way ;) and I screamed as loud as I could. Needless to say i scared Melissa half to death.

I feel bad, yet good about Zach. I don't like dumping on him, but i like being able to talk to him about things. Anywaz, i really like being friends with him.

well, i got to go, night night!

10.02.2002 7.43pm
So denied so I lied are you the now or never kind In a day and a day love I'm gonna be gone for good again Are you willing to be had are you cool with just tonight Here's a toast to all those who hear me all too well Here's to the nights we felt alive Here's to the tears you knew you'd cry Here's to goodbye Tomorrow's gonna come too soon

No. I'm not "cool with just tonight." I want everynight.

I.... don't know what to say. I've sunk into the depts of bitter dispare. All I can do now is cry and scream and beg myself to come to my senses.

Tell me what to do. I don't know what to do. I'm simply going through the motions. I feel dead inside. And its all my fault.

Damn Cody.

But I never could. I would go to hell for him in a heartbeat. *sigh*

I suppose this escapade will spawn many stories. It already has inspired a few songs. Out of misery comes profit.

Yet I'll never enjoy it by myself...

I can't even satisfy myself with his glance. Its as if I don't exist to him anymore. Although, I don't blame him. Thats the same thing I do to Rick.

Oh, God... I hope he doesn't feel the same about me as I feel about Rick. All that animosity aimed in my direction. How will I even survive.

I can see the physical effects this is having on me. My eyes perpetually turn down, i look like i've been crying and i've lost weight.

I try to be angry. I try to blame him. I console myself with the fact that multiple people want to kick his ass on my behalf. Yet it doesn't work.

I only hope I haven't caused him any misery.

10.01.2002 9.00pm
"I'm tugging at my hair I'm pulling at my clothes I'm trying to keep my cool I know it shows I'm staring at my feet My cheeks are turning red I'm searching for the words inside my head I'm feeling nervous Trying to be so perfect Cause I know you're worth it You're worth it Yeah If I could say what I want to say I'd say I wanna blow you... away Be with you every night Am I squeezing you too tight If I could say what I want to see I want to see you go down On one knee Marry me today Guess, I'm wishing my life away With these things I'll never say It don't do me any good It's just a waste of time What use is it to you What's on my mind If ain't coming out We're not going anywhere So why can't I just tell you that I care What's wrong with my tongue These words keep slipping away I stutter, I stumble Like I've got nothing to say Guess I'm wishing my life away with these things I'll never say If I could say what I want to say I'd say I wanna blow you...away Be with you every night Am I squeezing you too tight If I could say what I want to see I want to see you go down On one knee Marry me today Yes, I'm wishing my life away With these things I'll never say These things I'll never say"

I am such an idiot. I honestly amaze myself. Why? Why can't I just have one freaking normal relationship?

In case you haven't figured it out, I told Cody. I said: I really really like you. I have for a long time. I know you don't feel the same about me, and thats ok, but if you ever do, i'll be here.

and he said: ok

ok

ok?

ok!!!???

what the fuck is that supposed to mean?

He could have at least said hey, i'm gonna rip your heart out now and throw it on the floor. I'll probably walk over it, and maybe kick it a few times, but hey, thats the way the cookie crumbles.

as Caitlin says, I walked into that wall.

don't you hate it when youre miserable and you brought it upon yourself?

i suppose i'm just doomed to be miserable my entire life.... i'm off to a good start!

9.30.2002 9.21pm
Are you aware of what you make me feel, baby
Right now I feel invisible to you, like I'm not real
Didn't you feel me lock my arms around you
Why'd you turn away?

If only he knew.... If only i wasn't so chicken shit.... if only i could stop feeling so miserable and actually try....

God, why do you hate me? What have i done to you? I don't understand! Its all so frustrating and complicated! just when i think i've figured it out, there you go, throwing in another factor to worry about.

Well fuck you God. I'm sick of this bull shit. I'm sick of wanting to die. I'm sick of letting you have controle. I'm taking over my life now. You've fucked me up too long!

9.29.2002 8.57pm
"take so much away from inside you, makes no sence, you know he can't guide you, he's your fucking shoulder to lean on, be strong!"

well fuck a duck. life is a bitch. i have what i wanted, but now i want somthing else. heres the story, and i hope noone who cares will ever read this, but i have faith in my friends.

i want cody. that is that. its a fact of nature, preordained by god. i have gary. he likes me a lot. when we go out, he hold my hand and cuddles, but i watch cody. i pretend its cody i'm kissing. when i realize its not, i have to hold my hand over my mouth to keep from vomiting.

what do i want from cody? i want him to look at me like he cares. i want him to tell me about his day. i want him to put his arms around me and place his lips on mine and never never let me go. i want to protect him.

i think i love him. i cannot be faithful to gary or anyone else. tomorrow, i will tell him how i feel. maybe. oh goddess i don't know what to do.

"Cody, I like you a lot. I have for a long time. I know you don't feel the same about me, but if you ever do, i'll be here. I hate to admit it, but I'll always be here. Even if I look happy, I'm not. I can never be happy without you." And heres where i will walk away, face an odd shade of magenta, and crawl into a hole and die. or maybe just keep walking untill a bus runs over me. yes, that sounds like a good end to my life.

well, i'm gonna stope writing before i complety spill my guts to the entire internet.... again. later, my friend.

4.28.2002 12.30pm
The TV's broke Her cheeks are soaked The drink is empty And now he is everything she hates

i don't have much more to say than i did last time. hmm, some interesting things have been happening at work, but i don't feel it my place to say anything... yet.

i have been sooooo busy taking care of my spoiled little bird. she tweets the moment she wakes up untill i pick her up, and she doesn't like to be put down. in fact, shes hollering right now. i must go get her.

thats better. well, i have to go clean because kat and i are going to be tortured... i mean tutored, for a math test at 3. then its off to work at 5. i'll get home at about 10, just in time to write my paper for language.

have a nice day, buuuuuuuuu-ddy.

4.18.2002 3.11pm
well, its been awhile. i haven't updated due to my busy schedual and lack of free time.... nah, i've just been lazy. lots of things have happened, though. wouldn't you like to know ;) j/k ok, i have a potty emergency right now, so i'll write more later. bai bai

2.16.2002 8.57pm
I still believe it when you say It's another perfect day, another perfect day I still believe it when you say It's another perfect day, another perfect day

well, well, well. how long its been! and how bad i've been. my life isn't going too well. i... don't really wanna explain, but pardon me if i'm not my usual witty, up-beat self.

Waaaaait. i was never witty or up-beat. hmm, well, then you probably won't notice a change.

School is really getting to me. i can't stand it. makes me think bad thoughts... but now that i have my license i have a bit more freedom.

No i don't. well, this isn't going how i'd hoped. but i... don't have anything really to say. i want a new pet. my dog is boring and my mice are old. i really want a Boston Terrier puppy. Already got a name picked out: Lulu-Bell. don't ask about the bell, its a tradition thing. I wanted Yuna-bell, but my mom thought it might be disrespectful to my grandma: Euna.

i got my hair cut. it used to be really long, now its really short. i donated it to Locks of Love. Its really weird feeling. But i like it, so whatever.

So anywaz, i know a lot has happened since i last updated, i just can't remember it. i have a crush on a new person, but i can't have a crush on them because theyre my friend. its really hard. everytime i speak to them i feel like i'm in 1st grade again and my face gets red and i stutter and say the dumbest things. ^^//

and then barbie says to ken... help me Jebus!

thats all for now, lata

1.11.2002 3.27pm
shut the f*** up, she said. i'm going f****** deaf youre always too loud, everythings too loud. now that all my friends left this place is f******dead when can we move out i wanna move out this s*** has got to stop. i'll run away.

happy new year! my vacation sucked. so did my birthday. But hey, now i'm 16 so that something. never thought i'd make it this long.

for christmas i got a psx2 and a cell fone, among other things. i bought ffX, and, well, lets just say hail yea.

I've been home from school since tuesday. i've had some kind of infection, and let me just say it was a bitch. (pardon ma french)

i also have 3 mice right now. i will probably only have 1 soon, though, cuz my mom is gonna make me give the other two back. they are so sweet. ones name is Rebel, another is Allena and the boys name is Sawdust.

I got to go make up for the 8 hours of cleaning i've been supposed to do. bai!